sure I'm unique... just like everybody else

A few people have emailed me to ask why I haven't customized my blog any further than I have. Some of the people reading this blog have asked me some other stuff, so I thought I'd take the time right now to answer all your questions.

No.
Yes.
Because I wasn't sure.
Tits McGraw.
Somewhat.
Dukes of Hazard.
Four times.
A prescription cream.
Yes.

Thanks for your emails, I hope this clears things up.

eye yam who eye yam

I'm tough as nails. Don't confuse my matter of fact attitude with conceit, it's not. Somehow I was born with this inconceivable amount of resilience. I've thought more than once that maybe it has something to do with my rebellious nature to buck the system of survival of the fittest.

Occasionally this causes me some headache, albeit self imposed. This part of my personality comes with a price. When I'm hurting, physically or emotionally, others take my lead and downplay my situation.

I suppose this has turned into a rather elaborate pity party. And that being the case, I have the perfect picture to hang at the top of this post.

And it's an elaborate way to say, "Get over it already".

camel 1, mom 0

My dad took his family to the Denver Zoo a few weekends a summer. He had it made in certain respects: Denver was far enough away to be considered a 'weekend trip', and his children were young enough to ward against any negative comments of the potential lameness of the destination.

So off we were. The trip crawled along rather uneventful, save for a few whimpers from being backhanded from the front seat. My dad could make backhanding an Olympic event, I'm sure of it. I could almost squint my eyes and see him proudly thrusting the gold medal over his blonde head. The first hint of my brother and I starting to fuss over whose side was being tainted by their sibling's hands/feet/breathing (yes, breathing), my dad would reach around and knock my block off with such precision it would make any athlete shake his head in awe.

But I digress.

We arrive at our destination relatively unscathed, a bit worse for the wear but mostly sunny spirits all the same. I still don't know whose idea it was to stay in our car to ride through the zoo, but that's what we did. At the time my tender age prevented me from seeing the sheer irony in driving that distance in a car only to see our attraction from the same tear streaked, fingerprinted, chocolate encrusted window.

After much begging and manipulation, we convinced my father to purchase us a bag of animal feed, although to any rational adult it would prove a worthless purchase ~ feed was for those families who got out to walk the trails, not those who saw the animals from their Chevrolet. However after much whining, he begrudgingly obliged and we began our trail. First stop, lions. My partly cloudy disposition started to improve somewhere around the monkey's cage. Why, this was the ticket! Riding through the zoo in our air conditioned vehicle and reaping the benefits of seeing the zoo animals was truly the best of both worlds. My father was a genius!

As we rode through the zoo path, midway through there was a camel habitat. Let me first tell you that I believe camels are the Devil's Shetland pony. They smell, they spit, and they have yellow nasty teeth that rival any 3 pack a day smoker from Manhattan. Plus, those teeth are huge. Gigantic.

We roll up to the fence and lo and behold! Oh lucky day, there is a camel right in front of us for our viewing pleasure. Now this, I thought to myself, was service! My mother in the front passenger seat rolled her window down and gave this camel a bit of our purchased zoo food. I still don't believe it was because she had any fondness for camels, I think it was more to help us prove to our patriarch our earlier feed purchase was not in vain.

In any case, my mother fed the camel until it was literally inches away from our car. Dad pulled out the ol' camera and took advantage of this aesthetically pleasing vacation moment. Imagine our surprise when this camel chose that moment to stick his entire head INTO our car. Between us kids screaming and the camel's clamor, my mother dropped the entire sack of feed into her lap. The camel, who had quite enjoyed his generous treat via our feed bag, followed his food source right to her crotch.

My mother, who had a gift for quick thinking, attempted to roll the window back up. The camel's neck being strangled by the car window, along with my mother hysterically and frantically screaming and waving it away, combined for a nasty confrontation. This was the point where my mother began to scream for my father to hit the gas and GO! This would have seemed the best course of action, if my dad hadn't been laughing so hard he was crying.

I'm telling ya, if we'd had a video camera in those days, we'd be on the fat side of $100,000 and a trip to meet Bob Saget.

my mom loves me, my mom loves me, my dad loves me...

Has anyone else seen these commercials? Specifically, one called "They All Love Me".

You can view the commercial here.

The bones of it consists of a cute as a button little girl running through a greenhouse and being picked up by her adoptive father as the tag line says, "I couldn't give my baby things... Things my baby would really need... like a mom, AND a dad."

Now while I fully support adoption, and I understand how problematic and tragic it is for young unwed girls to become pregnant... and I agree with adoption being a good choice in certain situations, and how beneficial it could be... My problem with this commercial (and in essence this entire philosophy)...

Should the fact that there is no father present be a basis to give a child up for adoption?? First of all let me clarify for those who will jump to a conclusion... my own child has a father. I have never put a baby up for adoption. Marriage, help in the delivery room, sharing diaper duty, the whole nine yards. I'm not biased in this topic. Something about this commercial, however, just tugs at me every time I hear it.

Should an unwed mother be led to believe she can't raise a child on her own? That she couldn't possibly 'make it' and therefore the only humane option would be to give her baby up for adoption? That rational thinking is, "Either I get married or I choose adoption."? Are these women impressionable enough that this is even an issue? Am I making much ado about nothing?

I am now divorced and raising my almost 6 year old son by myself. He sees his daddy four times a week for visitation. Am I somehow, is my situation somehow, less than??

"When marriage is not possible," counseled President Spencer W. Kimball, "adoption through LDS Social Services is preferred so that the infant can be sealed to loving eager parents in an eternal family. A baby needs a family ~ a father and a mother. The Lord intends for babies to have a family and for families to be eternal." (Problem-Pregnancy, Prevention and Alternatives)

A baby is a blessing from God. And I believe nothing in God's world happens by mistake.

*climbing off my soapbox now, and waiting for opinions*

same sex marriages will RUIN society

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

u-pump-it

I just came back from gassing up my car for an out of town meeting tonight. Crouched down on the sidewalk in front of the station was a man. As I filled up my tank, I watched him. I'm not sure why, the station is a big one and pretty full on most days. Maybe my sense of alertness being a female. Maybe more.

His cheeks pink from a combination of our dry, hot day and sheepishness, he asked people if he could have whatever leftover change they had from their purchases. A sense of discomfort blushed up my own cheeks as I stood there ~ new car, nice clothes, talking on my cell phone.

I went inside the station to pay, pulled out a fifty cashed from my paycheck, and made change. On the way back to my car, I handed him ten bucks. Not a substantial amount of help, but sincere nonetheless.

As I smiled at him and walked away, he called, "Thank you young lady... God bless you." with his eyes starting to mist.

Hardass that I am, I have to admit ~ mine were, too.

to my lil graduate

You made it... preschool is behind ya.

Watch out Kindergarten, here he comes.

*in his best Ryan Seacrest voice*

Austin, out!

confronting my parental legacy

Ya, I know... you're saying, 'How is it *MY* fault?'

I'm not saying it is. Totally.

I don't know WHY I am the way I am. I know that I am sarcastic and cynical and more than a little angry. I learned to be aloof from you. It haunts me. It follows me everywhere I go. I am so negative, I am a procrastinator. Were these nature, or nurture? Is it all a load of bullshit? Does it even matter?

If I had hired someone to manage my life, I would have fired her by now. Bills don't get paid, there is never enough money to go around. Things don't get done, deadlines are missed. Bad things happen. People get neglected. Business is ignored. Don't talk about it ~ don't deal with it ~ and it will go away. I learned that from you.

I know it's really cliché, I'm this way because my mom and dad didn't love me enough, blah blah blah. I get it.

My responsibilities have responsibilities. My burdens have burdens. My worries have worries. I'm walking around every single day, with my head under water. I'm standing in the middle of a room screaming and no one even bothers to look up.

I'm not saying it's your fault. Not totally.

But what if part of it is?

kids, they're so darn precious

ME: We're going to play a wicked fun game. It's called "Let's See Who Can Hit the Softest!"
KID: Okay! How do you play?
ME: It works like this ~ You've got to pretend to hit the other person, and the goal is to make as big a production out of it as possible, while actually barely touching the other person.
KID: I'm going to be good at this game!
ME: I bet you are. Okay, you go first.

The kid raises a little dimpled hand and leans back, then brings a fist flying down dramatically, emitting a screeching growl.

KID: Aaaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhh!

This pantomimed deathblow, worthy of any Playstation game, ends with the absolute faintest possible tap. The child beams proudly.

ME: Wow.
KID: I did real good, huh?
ME: You sure did, buddy.
KID: Your turn! Your turn! Your t~~~

WHOMP!

I brutally sock the kid in the gut, taking the wind out of the stomach and sending the kid right onto the backside, sneakers in the air.

ME: Aw, shit. I lose. Best two outta three?


I'm going to hell. There's no way around it.

things I don't believe in

an incomplete list

acupuncture, alien abductions, aromatherapy,

Astroturf, backwards Satanic messages in rock songs, Bigfoot,

that Bush could take a psychological screening test without being red-flagged as a psychopathic personality,

cattle mutilations,

censorship of any kind ~ no matter how offensive the subject in question may be,

chain letters, crop circles as anything other than a clever prank, the death penalty,

that equal opportunities exist for women, ESP, extraterrestrial visitors,

feng shui, fortune telling, Freudian psychology,

ghosts, horoscopes, that living together prepares a couple for marriage,

that Kobe was really just in the wrong place at the wrong time

the Loch Ness Monster, love at first sight,

that masturbating excessively will make you blind (really hope I'm not wrong there),

that Maury Povich sees those deformed kids he's always bringing out as anything other than freak show attractions,

that OJ is looking for the real killers,

that Oprah could tell you what a gallon of milk costs if her fucking life depended on it,

that pornography is inherently evil or perverse, Santa Claus, spontaneous human combustion,

UFOs, vampires, voodoo, Wicca,

that Winona was researching a role

pretty as a princess

So I gotta wonder... Is it just me or is that show 'Swan' really creepy? Total makeovers, head to toe... dozens of surgeries on each girl, all to become a confident person? Ha?? These girls only realized their self worth once they sported prom hair and perfect bone structures?? Okay wait, I've got this totally crazy idea ~ How about we accept that we are the way God made us, and work on making ourselves okay from the inside out?!

Nah, scratch that... bring on the collagen and silicon.

67 things about me

1. I have had close to 10 dogs in my adulthood.
2. My natural hair color is auburn.
3. I bought Dr Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge book ~ and never opened it.
4. I love photography.
5. I love to sing.
6. I can sing really well.
7. Hardly anyone knows that.
8. I have never been fishing.
9. My background is Irish Catholic.
10. I have lived in the same town I was born in my entire life.
11. I worry too much about other people's opinions of me.
12. I have been arrested before.
13. I have two kids. I like them.
14. I have no idea what my blood type is.
15. I have a temper.
16. The way to my heart is a Dr. Pepper from Sonic ~ extra ice, light cream.
17. I spend too much money.
18. I wouldn't mind if George Clooney left crumbs in my bed.
19. Or Ashton Kutcher.
20. I love movies.
21. I don't wear a seat belt.
22. I swear. A lot.
23. When I write I make the word 'alot' be one word. I know it's two.
24. I am a great speller. An almost perfect speller. People find that annoying.
25. I am obsessed with Dr. Phil.
26. I know completely useless bits of Jeopardy type information.
27. Lots of that information is trivia from before my time. I am dorky that way.
28. It is my opinion that a quality piece of plain cheesecake is better than sex.
29. I am allergic to tomato. And penicillin.
30 I smoke(d).
31. I know I shouldn't smoke, so I quit. Exactly 3 months ago today.
32. I re-read the same books over and over.
33. The same with movies.
34. The movie Exorcist scared the bejesus outta me.
35. I have never eaten Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant; I eat the American food they serve. 36. I order the same dish at a restaurant that I've always eaten.
37. I do not like change.
38. I collect Precious Moments figurines.
39. I am the oldest in my family.
40. I have one brother. I call him 'Poovie'. He hates it.
41. I almost died in June 2004 in a car wreck involving a semi.
42. I rarely cry.
43. I brush my teeth in the shower.
44. I am obsessed with Urban Legends.
45. I don't like glurge emails.
46. I am 5 foot 8 inches. I have always been self conscious about my height.
47. I am left-handed. So is my son.
48. I have watched General Hospital for close to 20 years.
49. I can swim like a fish.
50. I don't know how to drive a standard transmission.
51. I don't really like animals.
52. I love the smell of rain.
53. My teachers wanted me to skip from 1st grade to 3rd grade.
54. My parents said no.
55. I am very smart. Not genius material, but very smart.
56. I hold grudges. Not one of my best traits. I'm working on it.
57. I like to garage sale.
58. I think wind chimes made out of wood may be one of the sweetest sounds on Earth.
59. I listen to music sometimes and cry.
60. I would love to live in a city.
61. I am sarcastic even when I don't mean to be.
62. I never learned how to do a cartwheel.
63. I procrastinate. At everything.
64. I have a large birthmark on my right thigh.
65. I was named after a prostitute on a tv series.
66. I love Kansas City Chiefs football.
67. I am a lesbian.

Change is good... as long as I don't have to do anything different

I'm slouched down in here ('here' being my fat ~ not to be mistaken for phat ~ leather computer chair) wondering how a person can take furnishings from a 4 bedroom house and condense it down to what will likely need to fit into a 2 bedroom apartment. Foreclosure... isn't that really just a nice way of saying, "You suck. You've always sucked. You can't pay your bills. We aren't going to help you out at all, and as a matter of fact can you please move out? Oh, and by the way... that moving out part...? Do it NOW."

I have to think to myself, what would Rosie O' Donnell do? Oh ya, that reminds me... time for a Pop Tart.