I just came back from gassing up my car for an out of town meeting tonight. Crouched down on the sidewalk in front of the station was a man. As I filled up my tank, I watched him. I'm not sure why, the station is a big one and pretty full on most days. Maybe my sense of alertness being a female. Maybe more.
His cheeks pink from a combination of our dry, hot day and sheepishness, he asked people if he could have whatever leftover change they had from their purchases. A sense of discomfort blushed up my own cheeks as I stood there ~ new car, nice clothes, talking on my cell phone.
I went inside the station to pay, pulled out a fifty cashed from my paycheck, and made change. On the way back to my car, I handed him ten bucks. Not a substantial amount of help, but sincere nonetheless.
As I smiled at him and walked away, he called, "Thank you young lady... God bless you." with his eyes starting to mist.
Hardass that I am, I have to admit ~ mine were, too.
Wednesday, May 26
to my lil graduate
You made it... preschool is behind ya.
Watch out Kindergarten, here he comes.
*in his best Ryan Seacrest voice*
Austin, out!
confronting my parental legacy
Ya, I know... you're saying, 'How is it *MY* fault?'
I'm not saying it is. Totally.
I don't know WHY I am the way I am. I know that I am sarcastic and cynical and more than a little angry. I learned to be aloof from you. It haunts me. It follows me everywhere I go. I am so negative, I am a procrastinator. Were these nature, or nurture? Is it all a load of bullshit? Does it even matter?
If I had hired someone to manage my life, I would have fired her by now. Bills don't get paid, there is never enough money to go around. Things don't get done, deadlines are missed. Bad things happen. People get neglected. Business is ignored. Don't talk about it ~ don't deal with it ~ and it will go away. I learned that from you.
I know it's really cliché, I'm this way because my mom and dad didn't love me enough, blah blah blah. I get it.
My responsibilities have responsibilities. My burdens have burdens. My worries have worries. I'm walking around every single day, with my head under water. I'm standing in the middle of a room screaming and no one even bothers to look up.
I'm not saying it's your fault. Not totally.
But what if part of it is?
I'm not saying it is. Totally.
I don't know WHY I am the way I am. I know that I am sarcastic and cynical and more than a little angry. I learned to be aloof from you. It haunts me. It follows me everywhere I go. I am so negative, I am a procrastinator. Were these nature, or nurture? Is it all a load of bullshit? Does it even matter?
If I had hired someone to manage my life, I would have fired her by now. Bills don't get paid, there is never enough money to go around. Things don't get done, deadlines are missed. Bad things happen. People get neglected. Business is ignored. Don't talk about it ~ don't deal with it ~ and it will go away. I learned that from you.
I know it's really cliché, I'm this way because my mom and dad didn't love me enough, blah blah blah. I get it.
My responsibilities have responsibilities. My burdens have burdens. My worries have worries. I'm walking around every single day, with my head under water. I'm standing in the middle of a room screaming and no one even bothers to look up.
I'm not saying it's your fault. Not totally.
But what if part of it is?
Tuesday, May 25
kids, they're so darn precious
ME: We're going to play a wicked fun game. It's called "Let's See Who Can Hit the Softest!"
KID: Okay! How do you play?
ME: It works like this ~ You've got to pretend to hit the other person, and the goal is to make as big a production out of it as possible, while actually barely touching the other person.
KID: I'm going to be good at this game!
ME: I bet you are. Okay, you go first.
The kid raises a little dimpled hand and leans back, then brings a fist flying down dramatically, emitting a screeching growl.
KID: Aaaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhh!
This pantomimed deathblow, worthy of any Playstation game, ends with the absolute faintest possible tap. The child beams proudly.
ME: Wow.
KID: I did real good, huh?
ME: You sure did, buddy.
KID: Your turn! Your turn! Your t~~~
WHOMP!
I brutally sock the kid in the gut, taking the wind out of the stomach and sending the kid right onto the backside, sneakers in the air.
ME: Aw, shit. I lose. Best two outta three?
I'm going to hell. There's no way around it.
KID: Okay! How do you play?
ME: It works like this ~ You've got to pretend to hit the other person, and the goal is to make as big a production out of it as possible, while actually barely touching the other person.
KID: I'm going to be good at this game!
ME: I bet you are. Okay, you go first.
The kid raises a little dimpled hand and leans back, then brings a fist flying down dramatically, emitting a screeching growl.
KID: Aaaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhh!
This pantomimed deathblow, worthy of any Playstation game, ends with the absolute faintest possible tap. The child beams proudly.
ME: Wow.
KID: I did real good, huh?
ME: You sure did, buddy.
KID: Your turn! Your turn! Your t~~~
WHOMP!
I brutally sock the kid in the gut, taking the wind out of the stomach and sending the kid right onto the backside, sneakers in the air.
ME: Aw, shit. I lose. Best two outta three?
I'm going to hell. There's no way around it.
things I don't believe in
an incomplete list
acupuncture, alien abductions, aromatherapy,
Astroturf, backwards Satanic messages in rock songs, Bigfoot,
that Bush could take a psychological screening test without being red-flagged as a psychopathic personality,
cattle mutilations,
censorship of any kind ~ no matter how offensive the subject in question may be,
chain letters, crop circles as anything other than a clever prank, the death penalty,
that equal opportunities exist for women, ESP, extraterrestrial visitors,
feng shui, fortune telling, Freudian psychology,
ghosts, horoscopes, that living together prepares a couple for marriage,
that Kobe was really just in the wrong place at the wrong time
the Loch Ness Monster, love at first sight,
that masturbating excessively will make you blind (really hope I'm not wrong there),
that Maury Povich sees those deformed kids he's always bringing out as anything other than freak show attractions,
that OJ is looking for the real killers,
that Oprah could tell you what a gallon of milk costs if her fucking life depended on it,
that pornography is inherently evil or perverse, Santa Claus, spontaneous human combustion,
UFOs, vampires, voodoo, Wicca,
that Winona was researching a role
acupuncture, alien abductions, aromatherapy,
Astroturf, backwards Satanic messages in rock songs, Bigfoot,
that Bush could take a psychological screening test without being red-flagged as a psychopathic personality,
cattle mutilations,
censorship of any kind ~ no matter how offensive the subject in question may be,
chain letters, crop circles as anything other than a clever prank, the death penalty,
that equal opportunities exist for women, ESP, extraterrestrial visitors,
feng shui, fortune telling, Freudian psychology,
ghosts, horoscopes, that living together prepares a couple for marriage,
that Kobe was really just in the wrong place at the wrong time
the Loch Ness Monster, love at first sight,
that masturbating excessively will make you blind (really hope I'm not wrong there),
that Maury Povich sees those deformed kids he's always bringing out as anything other than freak show attractions,
that OJ is looking for the real killers,
that Oprah could tell you what a gallon of milk costs if her fucking life depended on it,
that pornography is inherently evil or perverse, Santa Claus, spontaneous human combustion,
UFOs, vampires, voodoo, Wicca,
that Winona was researching a role
pretty as a princess
So I gotta wonder... Is it just me or is that show 'Swan' really creepy? Total makeovers, head to toe... dozens of surgeries on each girl, all to become a confident person? Ha?? These girls only realized their self worth once they sported prom hair and perfect bone structures?? Okay wait, I've got this totally crazy idea ~ How about we accept that we are the way God made us, and work on making ourselves okay from the inside out?!
Nah, scratch that... bring on the collagen and silicon.
Monday, May 24
67 things about me
1. I have had close to 10 dogs in my adulthood.
2. My natural hair color is auburn.
3. I bought Dr Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge book ~ and never opened it.
4. I love photography.
5. I love to sing.
6. I can sing really well.
7. Hardly anyone knows that.
8. I have never been fishing.
9. My background is Irish Catholic.
10. I have lived in the same town I was born in my entire life.
11. I worry too much about other people's opinions of me.
12. I have been arrested before.
13. I have two kids. I like them.
14. I have no idea what my blood type is.
15. I have a temper.
16. The way to my heart is a Dr. Pepper from Sonic ~ extra ice, light cream.
17. I spend too much money.
18. I wouldn't mind if George Clooney left crumbs in my bed.
19. Or Ashton Kutcher.
20. I love movies.
21. I don't wear a seat belt.
22. I swear. A lot.
23. When I write I make the word 'alot' be one word. I know it's two.
24. I am a great speller. An almost perfect speller. People find that annoying.
25. I am obsessed with Dr. Phil.
26. I know completely useless bits of Jeopardy type information.
27. Lots of that information is trivia from before my time. I am dorky that way.
28. It is my opinion that a quality piece of plain cheesecake is better than sex.
29. I am allergic to tomato. And penicillin.
30 I smoke(d).
31. I know I shouldn't smoke, so I quit. Exactly 3 months ago today.
32. I re-read the same books over and over.
33. The same with movies.
34. The movie Exorcist scared the bejesus outta me.
35. I have never eaten Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant; I eat the American food they serve. 36. I order the same dish at a restaurant that I've always eaten.
37. I do not like change.
38. I collect Precious Moments figurines.
39. I am the oldest in my family.
40. I have one brother. I call him 'Poovie'. He hates it.
41. I almost died in June 2004 in a car wreck involving a semi.
42. I rarely cry.
43. I brush my teeth in the shower.
44. I am obsessed with Urban Legends.
45. I don't like glurge emails.
46. I am 5 foot 8 inches. I have always been self conscious about my height.
47. I am left-handed. So is my son.
48. I have watched General Hospital for close to 20 years.
49. I can swim like a fish.
50. I don't know how to drive a standard transmission.
51. I don't really like animals.
52. I love the smell of rain.
53. My teachers wanted me to skip from 1st grade to 3rd grade.
54. My parents said no.
55. I am very smart. Not genius material, but very smart.
56. I hold grudges. Not one of my best traits. I'm working on it.
57. I like to garage sale.
58. I think wind chimes made out of wood may be one of the sweetest sounds on Earth.
59. I listen to music sometimes and cry.
60. I would love to live in a city.
61. I am sarcastic even when I don't mean to be.
62. I never learned how to do a cartwheel.
63. I procrastinate. At everything.
64. I have a large birthmark on my right thigh.
65. I was named after a prostitute on a tv series.
66. I love Kansas City Chiefs football.
67. I am a lesbian.
2. My natural hair color is auburn.
3. I bought Dr Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge book ~ and never opened it.
4. I love photography.
5. I love to sing.
6. I can sing really well.
7. Hardly anyone knows that.
8. I have never been fishing.
9. My background is Irish Catholic.
10. I have lived in the same town I was born in my entire life.
11. I worry too much about other people's opinions of me.
12. I have been arrested before.
13. I have two kids. I like them.
14. I have no idea what my blood type is.
15. I have a temper.
16. The way to my heart is a Dr. Pepper from Sonic ~ extra ice, light cream.
17. I spend too much money.
18. I wouldn't mind if George Clooney left crumbs in my bed.
19. Or Ashton Kutcher.
20. I love movies.
21. I don't wear a seat belt.
22. I swear. A lot.
23. When I write I make the word 'alot' be one word. I know it's two.
24. I am a great speller. An almost perfect speller. People find that annoying.
25. I am obsessed with Dr. Phil.
26. I know completely useless bits of Jeopardy type information.
27. Lots of that information is trivia from before my time. I am dorky that way.
28. It is my opinion that a quality piece of plain cheesecake is better than sex.
29. I am allergic to tomato. And penicillin.
30 I smoke(d).
31. I know I shouldn't smoke, so I quit. Exactly 3 months ago today.
32. I re-read the same books over and over.
33. The same with movies.
34. The movie Exorcist scared the bejesus outta me.
35. I have never eaten Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant; I eat the American food they serve. 36. I order the same dish at a restaurant that I've always eaten.
37. I do not like change.
38. I collect Precious Moments figurines.
39. I am the oldest in my family.
40. I have one brother. I call him 'Poovie'. He hates it.
41. I almost died in June 2004 in a car wreck involving a semi.
42. I rarely cry.
43. I brush my teeth in the shower.
44. I am obsessed with Urban Legends.
45. I don't like glurge emails.
46. I am 5 foot 8 inches. I have always been self conscious about my height.
47. I am left-handed. So is my son.
48. I have watched General Hospital for close to 20 years.
49. I can swim like a fish.
50. I don't know how to drive a standard transmission.
51. I don't really like animals.
52. I love the smell of rain.
53. My teachers wanted me to skip from 1st grade to 3rd grade.
54. My parents said no.
55. I am very smart. Not genius material, but very smart.
56. I hold grudges. Not one of my best traits. I'm working on it.
57. I like to garage sale.
58. I think wind chimes made out of wood may be one of the sweetest sounds on Earth.
59. I listen to music sometimes and cry.
60. I would love to live in a city.
61. I am sarcastic even when I don't mean to be.
62. I never learned how to do a cartwheel.
63. I procrastinate. At everything.
64. I have a large birthmark on my right thigh.
65. I was named after a prostitute on a tv series.
66. I love Kansas City Chiefs football.
67. I am a lesbian.
Change is good... as long as I don't have to do anything different
I'm slouched down in here ('here' being my fat ~ not to be mistaken for phat ~ leather computer chair) wondering how a person can take furnishings from a 4 bedroom house and condense it down to what will likely need to fit into a 2 bedroom apartment. Foreclosure... isn't that really just a nice way of saying, "You suck. You've always sucked. You can't pay your bills. We aren't going to help you out at all, and as a matter of fact can you please move out? Oh, and by the way... that moving out part...? Do it NOW."
I have to think to myself, what would Rosie O' Donnell do? Oh ya, that reminds me... time for a Pop Tart.
I have to think to myself, what would Rosie O' Donnell do? Oh ya, that reminds me... time for a Pop Tart.
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